Conor Poem

I seem to have lost Mary Sue, but I'll make it up to her one of these day.
Oh and I'm going to be an aunt.
Here's something to keep you busy.....

I hope you like it.

FOR CONOR.


You gave me more than I asked for,
Imaginary memories, and converstations together, oh and laughs.
There was a price I paid for all that and now I know.
You were the excuse I used to forget myself.
I just lost focus, I couldn't focus.
They say it's because I'm a woman.
And you, you gave me cheap victorious visions that you had brought from the mountains and the mesas.
You always knew I was afraid of heights, but you lied and told them all I was just shy.
You never asked me to be brave. You never made put on warriors paint.
The air is as dry as your humor. Savannah heat.
The sky is as colorful as your mind.
The sun was like the love we made on an air matteress, cradled in the arms of the ocean.

Tears bubble up to the surface at the sound of your voice.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
We need a divorce. Cut the tie that binds.
But don't you mourn for that. I call my child after a daydream we both had once.
You were how I spoke to God.
That musical connection.
The priest, a medium, a temple. I swear you are my patron saint.
I worship inside your mind. That's right just behind your eyes.

I cut my hair, I thought you'd notice.
My emotions are as thin as paper.
Is that really my fault?
I wanted to hit you, like summer rain. Wash you clean and take your shape. Be the fire water that you need.
Some say I'm wild, Some say I'm crazy.
What was it you said? Unbalanced.
It's just that flood of actual emotion in this world where everything is always the same, but it keeps on changing, it circles 'round and around.
Infinity. My love for you just keeps spinning around.
I say, I can't die 'cause I haven't met you.
The invisible spirit in my bed. The man still living in my head.
Is this really gradititude?
Just let me free, never let me free, please let me free from your spell.

Here you are March's Mary Sue Poem....


Hope

I hope to be noticed.
I hope to be content.

I hope.
I hope.
I hope.

I hope that you'll take me and not leave me.
I hope that you'll like me in all seasons.

I hope.
I hope.

I hope that I'll have a future.
I hope I won't always be lonely.

I hope.

More Mary Sue?!

I wrote February's in advance...so it's for early February, you'll still read it, won't you?

Mary Sue?!

Now. Now that I know that it’s all true:

I can’t even become a shrew

 Now that I am plain old Mary Sue

Realization overdue

How come I never knew?

I am plain old Mary Sue

No wonder I’m always feeling blue

Always been without a clue

I am plain old Mary Sue

I don’t even have someone to appeal to

I conform to shape and hue

I am plain, simple Mary Sue

I hope that you all like these. Please comment. 

Introducing Mary Sue

I don't really know why, but I read somewhere the phrase: "Don't be a Mary Sue" and wondered why. It struck me as being an odd thing to say and inspired some introspection. How does one cope with being average, when there are such cultural stigmas? How many times do young children hear that they are going to grow up to be extraordinary? Is there a line between support and inflating expectation? I mean, if someone looked at my cat and said something like, "You could grow up to be beautiful and successful, but I doubt it?" I'd punch'em in the face. However, children are impressionable, but most of them aren't stupid. I think we need to start preaching self acceptance. I'm kinda self-centered and I still have esteem issues.  So, each month of this year, I'll be writing a poem about being a Mary Sue.

Here's the one for January:

In Which I become Mary Sue

                There is a distinctive feature, there must be. A freckle, a mole, a blemish somewhere. There! There’s one…wait it’s just dirt. That can’t be my reflection. I don’t want to look so plain. The mirror could be painted. The thick, white flesh framed by the dark hair, no dye, no highlights. The eyebrows left to grow to wildly, unpruned shrubs. The eyes are sparkling hidden gems no one ventures to see.

                There is something astonishing, there must be. Average humor, average intellect, average….huh. EVERYTHING!!!!!

                Ordinary, unskilled, nothing special just like everyone else Mary Sue.

                What in the world could be wrong with me? Is that what I really am to all those people? Is that really how I am to everyone that isn’t me? Is it vain to think….Did they lie? Isn’t everyone supposed to be unique? 

Dumb Luck

I can't say this to anyone, but you. I can't say how amazed and horrified that I am. I don't know if it was misfortune or fate, but I'll tell you. I have to tell someone.


My senior year, I was in love with the suggestion that I might be in love. I wanted someone that didn't want me, but we were friends. We shared secrets. Except the big one. In the course of a weekend, he lied and left me for another one of my friends. If he'd explained...but he didn't. He let me play doting fool and dance along side him in tender affection and he smiled at me all the while he was turned to her in a clandestine union. It was a pact to hurt me.

College was okay, but it wasn't what I wanted. I'm not normal, it made that plain. I can't talk to anyone. I've lost contact with friends from both places and though I desperately miss them, I'm afraid to reach out.

The would be sophomore year, I paid rent up for a month on an apartment and looked forward to living independently with a friend from college. I was happy, but couldn't find employment within the first month of living there. My friend got angry, my computer started acting up. I still thought everything was fine. We were just under stress. Then she ambushed me in my bedroom, while I was writing a paper and screamed at me for a good hour. I was upset and confused. I didn't even respond. I had tried to do everything to suit her. I cleaned intensely, I kept quiet out of the way. I was fine doing that. I was being nice. Meanwhile, she insulted everything that I liked, right down to my nightgown. I watched her shows, listened to her.So, she called my mom and told her I was depressed and suicidal. Not even remotely true! So, mom came and got me, brought me home. And I don't have a future anymore. I have to dwell in failure. Maintaining the ability to stay vulnerable to every sound and sigh of frustration.

I want to move on, but I'm constantly being dragged back down into the pit. A virgin fruit turning rancid with every day. I want to cob if I can and hold strong in my unlikely faith. I'm a child hiding in tall grass, waiting to be found so that I can run and play. There is eagerness in my tears buried in the pain. I'm a beautiful freak, if I couldn't write I wouldn't speak. My vocal chords flex and strain under the weight of the wonder. What is wrong with me?! How can I persevere?

I wake up from nightmares with a smile. I can today is gonna be different, but in the end it isn't. I don't want to inconvenience others. There are people that I have been children with, and still I'm voiceless.  My parents just get angry.

This is the part where I imagine that I'm in a K-drama, and things could not get worse, just waiting for someone to hate me just enough to  fall unbearably in love me and whisk me off to a beautiful island in his or her private jet, right?



So this is what I've been carrying around in my head since August. A monster eating my brains creating the nausea and contempt, smothering the drive and love inside. I refuse to be bitter though I may die an old maid. 
 I cannot ask you, dear reader, I cannot trust you, but I love you. If you are at all like me, I hope you write.
Please comment.

Christmas

Hello,
      I hope that everyone had a good holiday if you celebrated and if you didn't then I hope you still had a good time...I guess. I did. My family all got together and scratched off lotto tickets and opened presents on Christmas Eve and when I got back from my Mamaw's (grandma's) house, I got to open my presents from my parents. I got the Sims 3 Expansion that I wanted and then my laptop died. It is DEAD! SO I've been on the desktop ever since. And I'm hoping for a new one. I've had my eye on the ASUS Transformer, but I'm not really sure.
        I had just started watch Goong, too. I know that I'm a little behind on discovering that one, but it's never to late, right? I'm on episode 5, waiting for episode 13, because as I understand it, that's the best one. Now, I'll bide my time with Manga....I really like the forbidden romance.

I went for a walk with my cat, Delaney and my father. We had so much fun. There are the remnants of houses in the pines just off our property and its very pretty there. Delaney kept up with Dad's dogs just fine. I only got worried when he went up a tree to try to catch a bird. He was so tired after.