Dumb Luck

I can't say this to anyone, but you. I can't say how amazed and horrified that I am. I don't know if it was misfortune or fate, but I'll tell you. I have to tell someone.


My senior year, I was in love with the suggestion that I might be in love. I wanted someone that didn't want me, but we were friends. We shared secrets. Except the big one. In the course of a weekend, he lied and left me for another one of my friends. If he'd explained...but he didn't. He let me play doting fool and dance along side him in tender affection and he smiled at me all the while he was turned to her in a clandestine union. It was a pact to hurt me.

College was okay, but it wasn't what I wanted. I'm not normal, it made that plain. I can't talk to anyone. I've lost contact with friends from both places and though I desperately miss them, I'm afraid to reach out.

The would be sophomore year, I paid rent up for a month on an apartment and looked forward to living independently with a friend from college. I was happy, but couldn't find employment within the first month of living there. My friend got angry, my computer started acting up. I still thought everything was fine. We were just under stress. Then she ambushed me in my bedroom, while I was writing a paper and screamed at me for a good hour. I was upset and confused. I didn't even respond. I had tried to do everything to suit her. I cleaned intensely, I kept quiet out of the way. I was fine doing that. I was being nice. Meanwhile, she insulted everything that I liked, right down to my nightgown. I watched her shows, listened to her.So, she called my mom and told her I was depressed and suicidal. Not even remotely true! So, mom came and got me, brought me home. And I don't have a future anymore. I have to dwell in failure. Maintaining the ability to stay vulnerable to every sound and sigh of frustration.

I want to move on, but I'm constantly being dragged back down into the pit. A virgin fruit turning rancid with every day. I want to cob if I can and hold strong in my unlikely faith. I'm a child hiding in tall grass, waiting to be found so that I can run and play. There is eagerness in my tears buried in the pain. I'm a beautiful freak, if I couldn't write I wouldn't speak. My vocal chords flex and strain under the weight of the wonder. What is wrong with me?! How can I persevere?

I wake up from nightmares with a smile. I can today is gonna be different, but in the end it isn't. I don't want to inconvenience others. There are people that I have been children with, and still I'm voiceless.  My parents just get angry.

This is the part where I imagine that I'm in a K-drama, and things could not get worse, just waiting for someone to hate me just enough to  fall unbearably in love me and whisk me off to a beautiful island in his or her private jet, right?



So this is what I've been carrying around in my head since August. A monster eating my brains creating the nausea and contempt, smothering the drive and love inside. I refuse to be bitter though I may die an old maid. 
 I cannot ask you, dear reader, I cannot trust you, but I love you. If you are at all like me, I hope you write.
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